Why Not?

Sometimes we all get blindsided by a stranger with a loud and unsolicited opinion. For reasons I do not understand, some people feel compelled to weigh in on decisions that have nothing to do with their own daily life. Usually, the words sting and cause one to step back and pray for composure. Today, at my exercise class, I had one of those moments.

It was a new class for me, so I decided to get there a bit early. I didn't want to be too rushed. As we waited for the instructor to arrive, a few of us took some time to get better acquainted with one another. Naturally, in a room full of suburban women, the conversation turned towards motherhood and children. One of the ladies asked me how many children I have at home. I mentioned that I have three, but then casually added we are adopting our fourth. With a giggle, I said that I was taking the class because I was soon going to have one child in high school and another in diapers. With two little girls sandwiched in between, I am going to need all the strength and energy I can muster! That's when it happened.

"You are adopting a baby? WHY would you do that?!" a woman asked. Her eyes locked with mine as she stood across the room, with an exercise mat in her hand and a look of disgust on her face. Her words pierced my heart and her reaction knocked me over inside. For a moment, I paused. Then, I took a deep breath, smiled sweetly and said, "Why NOT?" She had no reply. Just silence. On that note, the issue seemed to be laid to rest. At least for now.

I have been thinking about that conversation all day. I am not offended by her words, though I wish they had been delivered with a bit more sensitivity. She is simply speaking from her own heart and expressing what she knows. Or in this case, what she does not know. When I ponder her ignorance on the subject, I see how far God has brought me in this journey. It wasn't that long ago that I posed the same question to my husband. The day he came home and asked if we could pray about adoption, I responded, "Adopt? Why would WE adopt? We have three kids already." Like he had somehow forgotten!

It's not that I hadn't thought of it before. But our kids are getting older and so are we. It just seemed as if that season had passed us by. In my mind, that ship had sailed. So, it's fair to say that I wasn't exactly "on board" with the idea of adoption at first. I thought I knew where we were going and I am not a girl easily led into change. Still, at Marty's request, I reluctantly agreed to pray about it. That's how we got here. Prayer and steps of obedience led us to our fourth child.

I prayed for God to guide Marty's heart and to align mine with his. I prayed for the LORD to show us His desires for our family. And I prayed for courage to step wherever God might lead. We prayed together for a long time. During those months of seeking, the question on my heart changed. Rather than wonder why we should consider adopting a child, I began to ask myself a new question..."why not?"

I had lots of reasons. My age. Our finances. Our family obligations and responsibilities. None, of which, mattered to God or held up under scrutiny. Every time I would offer a reason why adoption was not for us, the LORD would give me a counter argument that poked holes in my thinking. Before long, I was out of excuses as God had laid a course before us that was unmistakeably clear. Adoption. Why not? I didn't have a reason to say no.

Now, almost two years later, we are adoptive parents in waiting. One day soon, we will get "the call" and we will meet the young woman who is carrying our baby for us. I could not be more grateful or excited for this chance to grow our family. I could not be more thankful for her courage or her sacrifice. It is never lost on me that if left on my own, I would never have found this path. Only God could bring me here.

Sometimes, the LORD injects His desires into your plans and asks you to make a change for Him. By design, it won't be easy. The world will say it is crazy talk. God calls it trust and obedience. It's a leap of faith. “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (Philippians 2:13) And you will know in the deepest places of your heart you cannot get there by yourself. In those moments, many ask, "Why?" Perhaps a better response is "why not?"

Just A Mommy

I was 12 years old when my cousin, Minniette, made me a wager. She proposed that by the ripe "old" age of 28, I would be at home with my kids. At the time, those words filled me with outrage. After all, there was NO way I was going to be "just a mommy". Being raised in what seemed like a "greenhouse" of strong women, the role of capable, independent woman was easy to embrace. Family. Career. I naively believed I could have it all, do it all, and be it ALL. It never occurred to me that I would be a stay at home mother, for I had big things to accomplish. Confident that Minniette was mistaken in her assessment, I took that bet. I was certain that her dollar was mine and I smugly imagined the day I would rub her nose in my victory.

Ironically, the year I turned 28 changed my life forever. It was the year that God gave me our beloved son, Jack. He is the first of our three gifts from Heaven. With his birth, my priorities shifted. Over the next few years, I began to sense that somebody had sold me an empty dream of materialism and achievement that no longer aligned with my heart. With the birth of each of my children, my heart and my desires continued to change. Over time, I began to see in myself the things my cousin has always known.

The LORD gave me a heart that longs to care for and protect those whom I deeply love. Responsible, sensible, and careful, I was the self-appointed guardian of my younger brother and cousins, whether they needed it or not. God made my ears sensitive to tones of voice and my eyes keen to body language in order to infer feelings. As I came to truly know my heart, I discovered a startling conclusion. I was born to be a caretaker. No, I was born to be a Mother. It seems my cousin saw that better than I, even when we were children. I lost the bet, but won something much greater...a sense of purpose. I owe my cousin a dollar and my thanks. (Thanks, Minniette! I owe you a buck!)

Today, my sense of identity is firmly rooted in being the heart of our home. At long last, I have stepped out of the full-time workforce as an educator and into life as a stay at home mom. Instead of grading papers, writing lesson plans, and attending meetings, my days are now filled with clipping coupons, driving our children all over town for practices and rehearsals, and managing the many responsibilities of our home. Instead of finding my worth in my performance at work, I am content to be "just a mommy" while I model the love of Christ to my family.

There is no pay or earthly recognition for the work that I do every day. To the contrary, there are even some people who belittle and degrade my choice to be at home. With humility and gratitude, I recognize that my efforts to shape my kids do not go unnoticed by God. I pray my efforts to guide my children, for whom I am accountable, bring the LORD great glory.

Now let me clarify a few things. I recognize that a woman can be a good mother and work outside the home. In fact, I was raised by a woman who did just that! Whether it be ambition or necessity, I do not begrudge another woman the right to make her own choices. Some women are remarkable enough to do it all. Be it all. To everyone. And if that were the calling on my life, I have no doubt that God would have empowered me to do just that.

But, I must confess, that is just not "me". Truly, I was never very good at juggling both motherhood and a career. Trying to do both left me feeling exhausted and discouraged. I just couldn't seem to "do it all". Despite my efforts for many years to hold down the fort both at home and at work, I went to bed feeling like a failure in nearly every aspect of my life. I wasn't the teacher, the wife, the mother, or the friend that I was called to be. There simply wasn't enough of me to go around and I knew it. By faith, my husband and I decided I needed to be at home and we made many sacrifices to make it happen for our family, even when our checkbook said it was impossible. We made adjustments, created a budget, and we prayed A LOT!

God has blessed me in my decision to follow His lead regarding my position in this world, and I am thankful that I have the awesome privilege of being at home for my kids. Each day, I am reminded that my children are learning by my example. They listen to my guidance. They watch me intently. Not a day goes by that I don't understand more fully what God has called me to do. As a mother, I am shaping my children into the people they will become. Every action and every reaction makes an impact on the hearts of my kids. It's a heavy responsibility and an awesome privilege. But it's also LOTS of work! And that is only part of what I do all day.

I am the chief dietitian, counselor, detective, judge, cook, personal shopper, chauffeur, housekeeper, and gardener for our family. I am sure I could think of a few more titles, but I have to finish my point before the kids get home from school. My husband is out of town on business so I am flying solo tonight. When the kiddos push through that door we need to finish homework and dinner before our daughter goes to soccer practice. Did I mention she also has new badges for me to sew on her Girls In Action vest? Add seamstress to the list of titles I hold.

Be advised. I have discovered that life as a full-time wife and mother is not for the faint of heart. My days are full and bedtime is still relished at the Arbuckle household. We do not drive new cars and we stick closely to our budget. Financially, we make tough decisions and even give up luxuries to make ends meet. Some days, I wonder how our finances are going to all work out in the end. Contrary to what some in the world believe, we are not wealthy. We simply made a choice to downsize our life so that I could be home. It wasn't easy, but it was right for us. And I have no regrets, though I could use a nap and a mani/pedi.

Now, there is a sweetness that has gripped our family as never before. I believe it is because I am utilizing my God given gifts. I am, in fact, who I was created to be and in that I find my sleep to be sweet. I am just a Mommy. My title isn't grand and my achievements are not met with accolades, praise, or glory. I won't be winning any awards this side of Heaven. But I have peace. I have joy. And I know what it is to be truly happy in the LORD. It's a lesson I pray will stay rooted in my heart as I raise up children to take their place in this world.

I pray that God will give each of my kids eyes to see their gifts and talents and grant them the courage to follow their God-given dreams. I hope they are wiser than I was in finding their way in life. And more than any accomplishment, "I have no greater desire than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4) Today, life has come full circle as my son is now starting to make plans for his future. Many days I listen to my Jack share his heart and I counsel him carefully. It's so much fun listening to my kids dream of what they will "be" when they grow up. A baker. A dance teacher. An engineer. And in the words of my youngest blessing Sofie, "A mommy...just a mommy".

Brave And Courageous

Late this past fall, Marty took Jack to see the movie "Courageous". It had quite a big influence on our Man-child and recently, as it has hit the stores on DVD, Jack has been longing to watch it again. Jack's birthday is in just a number of weeks. He will soon be fourteen years old. Sometimes, I wonder where my little boy with the blond curly hair has disappeared. Today, Jack is a tall, confident young man with one foot already stepping into his future. I know God has amazing plans for our son, but I am also aware that I must be more committed to prayer than ever before. Like other young boys his age, my son is stepping into a world that is fighting a culture war that is darker than ever.The enemy seeks to destroy my son and steal his innocence. And Satan will use every tool available to get to bring Jack down. Friends. Music. The Internet. Even television. Especially television.

Just this week, we were watching a new TV show called "Smash", and I was reminded that there is no escape from the enemy's assault on my young son's heart and mind. Jack loves the theater. Naturally, this new show seemed like a great way for us to watch something on TV together. After all, it's a show that depicts how a fictional Broadway show comes to the stage. We watched the pilot last week and there were a few scenes that gave me pause. Even so, we were able to discuss how the characters were behaving and how they might choose differently if they cared as much about God as they did fame and success.

Unfortunately, this week, I am afraid we saw more than we can tolerate. Suddenly, and without warning, the scene shifted from an a woman in the middle of an audition, to she and the director heating up the sheets in the bedroom. I was mortified! The scene was graphic. Very graphic. In fact, there was virtually nothing left to the imagination. And there was not time to change the channel. By the time Marty had reached the remote, Jack had already gotten an eyeful and he was visibly uncomfortable. So much for innocence!

They say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Young men today are bombarded with images that are designed to desensitize them to nudity and encourage them to dabble in acts of intimacy that are suppose to be limited to a man and his wife. The images on the television were a troubling reminder that Satan will use any and all means necessary in order to distract Jack and make him as ineffective as possible. After all, Satan is cunning and he knows Jack's name. He knows Jack's weaknesses. He fears Jack's potential. I am foolish to assume otherwise. And the Bible warns us that “the eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light". (Matthew 6:22) In essence, good stuff in, good stuff out. And bad stuff in...you get the picture. Needless to say, we will be deleting the timer for "Smash" on our DVR.

As a mother and a woman of faith, I have to step up my game and pray daily for my son's purity if he is to stand in this culture of "anything goes". At the risk of sounding like one of those "church ladies", I am sickened by the lack of moral boundaries in our society today. In fact, I wonder if we, as a nation, have gone beyond the point of no return. It's not hard to see how we got to this place of depravity. I just wonder if there is a way out.

Then I realize, it begins with my son. His generation has the power to change our direction. In him, I see a love for Christ and a desire to obey that is stronger than most adults I know. God is calling tomorrow's men to be strong and courageous! For they will do great things that will bring God glory.

Today, I went to a Christian bookstore in search of Jack's birthday present. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I knew it had to be special. It had to be something that could strengthen Jack in his walk into manhood. Make no mistake, there are many things on which my son could choose to fix his gaze. Unhealthy dating relationships. Pre-marital sex. Nudity and pornography. The world tells my son that all are acceptable. Yet, none of these things are God's desire for a young man seeking after God's best in life. Therefore, I want Jack to have something else to look upon. Something that will remind him whose he is when temptation is lurking. Something that challenges him to be the Jack that God created him to be and to fix his eyes on the things of God. I found a ring with the words "strong and courageous" inscribed upon it. It brought to mind a verse I hope Jack will live by as he grows and takes his place in God's Kingdom. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

When Jack was a little boy, we discovered he had a heart filled with courage. He loved to play with Rescue Hero action figures and enjoyed pretending to be a Super Hero. Spiderman was his favorite! As he grew, we saw that same courage manifest itself as he stood his ground with bullies both for himself and on behalf of his friends. Now that Jack is a teenager, he will need that courage like never before.

That is my prayer for my son...courage. Strong. Unmoveable courage. The kind of courage that only comes from being a man who follows after God.

One Step Closer

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. In mid January, we had our homestudy. Just days later, we were accepted at the agency. Then we were placed on the "waiting couples" list. With several birthmothers due in the next two months, I have allowed myself to hope that we might be chosen and our baby might be with us soon. In my quiet moments alone, I imagine how that story might unfold and pray for it to come true. But today, I am newly aware that our wait has only just begun. And I have no idea how long we will be in this holding pattern.

We are now in our "second trimester" of being paper pregnant. You know, that time period where one begins to prepare for the baby's arrival, but life is strangely the same as it has always been. That's where we are. It's a time of waiting. Only this time, I am not watching my belly grow bigger and I don't have a due date marked on the calendar. In fact, it seems a bit like time is standing still. The truth is, we could be waiting a very long time.

I know it sounds crazy, but I miss our baby and I have never been good at waiting. Throughout the day, I pray for our birthmother. Sometimes, I go to the agency website and click on the pictures of other families waiting for their little ones. I think about the scrapbook that I made that will one day be placed in front of the young lady in my prayers. Then, I usually wonder to myself, "Why would she pick us?" I mean, when she looks at those pictures, what does she see? Does she see a couple who has already been blessed with three children? Is that all that she will see? For if that is indeed what she takes away from our photos, she might choose to glance over them and dismiss us completely.

Perhaps, she might decide to pick a couple without any children at all. And, let's be honest. Who could blame her? I mean, to her,it may appear selfish that we are asking for another child after being so richly blessed already. I understand there are couples that are waiting to become parents for the first time. I understand that she may want to give those couples the opportunity to become a family. I might even feel the same way if I were her.

Still, I long for our baby. And I am praying she will look more deeply at the pictures of our family. I pray she will really look at our hearts and see how much we love each other and how much we want this child to be with us. Jack, Lily, and Sofie are so excited for a baby brother or sister. Marty and I are dreaming of having another little one. And I am depending on God to reveal us to our child's birthmother. In the deepest most fragile places of my heart, I cry out, "Dear Father...let her see us. Really see us."

Just before our homestudy, I listened to a song that is from the Twilight Series. Now, I have a confession. I don't like vampire movies, so I am probably the only woman in America who has not seen the movies. I didn't even know that the song was from Twilight. But the words got my attention and made me think of our chosen child.

Lyrics to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along, I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Lately, every day feels like a thousand years. All day long, I wait for the phone to ring. And every day, it stays silent. At least in regards to the one call I want most to receive. So, I pray for strength and patience to persevere and endure this waiting period. This second trimester that seems endless. For God promises us "for you, a thousand years are as a passing day, as brief as a few night hours". (Psalm 90:4 NLT)

So, today, I am reminded to to go back to the beginning. The LORD called us to adoption. God has grown this child in our hearts and He won't forget that we are here...waiting. Even if it seems as though we are on a journey that could take a thousand years, we are one step closer! Thank you for praying with us as we wait.


Just in case you are as clueless as I am in regards to Twilight, here is the song. I am thinking of making it my ringtone for our agency.

A Masterpiece

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well." Sofie uttered these words to me softly as I tucked her into bed the other night. With a sweet smile on her face, she shared with me a beautiful truth, a scripture, she had practiced at church that evening. I looked into her honey brown eyes and told her how I thought God was "showing off" the day he made her and that I was super lucky that He chose me to be me her Mom. Then, I kissed her goodnight, turned off her light, and closed her door behind me. It was one of those mountaintop moments as a parent. My heart was bursting with praise and gratitude for my daughter was beginning to understand who God made her to be.

But as with so many challenges in parenting, I was quick to find we had taken one step forward only to go two steps back. For, the very next evening, I was drying tears that were the result of some cruel remarks made by a careless classmate. Words like "ugly" and "terrible" pierced her heart and wounded her spirit in ways that made me burn with anger. It didn't matter that the words weren't true. What mattered was how Sofie felt about those words...and the effect they had on her once they had been uttered.

She was devastated. Then and there, I acknowledged that we had a long way to go if Sofie's self-image was going to be firmly rooted in Christ. Gently, I reminded her of the truth she had shared with me only the night before. "Who made you, Sofie?" I whispered softly. I wanted her full attention. "God did." "That's right," I replied, "And what does God say about you?" Once more, she recited Psalm 139:14. I continued, "God says you are wonderful. It doesn't matter what other people say. Their words only matter if you let them matter. I know they hurt. But don't let them tell you who you are. Only God can do that. He never uses words like 'ugly' or 'terrible' when he speaks of you."

Today, Sofie left for school a bit more tense than usual. Her face revealed a heart that was unsettled and nervous. I took her small hands in mine, kissed her forehead and prayed over her. And as she walked out the door, I reminded her, "Be the Sofie that God made you to be...for you are fearfully and wonderfully made." Truly, she is a masterpiece. I know that full well. Even if she has forgotten.

While she has been at school, I have done a bit of word study. The Bible says we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". But what does that mean exactly? My daughter needs to know. Perhaps we all could use a reminder. Here is what I found...

Fearfully means to "stand in awe", "to cause astonishment", "to inspire reverence".
Wonderfully implies we are "wonderful, distinct, distinguished, set apart".

In essence, God is saying that each and every one of us is a masterpiece, created by Him, to bring Him glory. By His hand, we were created. And by His Word we are said to be...
Astonishing.
Inspiring.
Wonderful.
Distinct.
Distinguished.
Set apart.

Like Sofie, the truth is short and sweet. Indeed, we are ALL fearfully and wonderfully made. In a word...Sofie is a masterpiece. So are you.

With Love

With a warm cup of coffee in my hand, I glanced at our December calendar and took a deep breath. Then, I decided that today was going to require something more than caffeine. This evening, alone, I have to be in three places nearly all at once. It seems that most days this time of year look the same.

Wrapping.
Decorating.
Baking.
Parties.
Shopping.
Concerts.

"How did I let it get away from me again?" I think to myself.

Don't get me wrong. It's all good stuff. Still, every year, in the midst of the Christmas crazies, I begin to feel a bit unraveled. And every year, right about now, I begin to reassess how Christmas is going to look for our family. Clearly, I can't do it all. And, if I choose to chase after the insignificant this Christmas season, I will miss the most important thing of all...Christ, himself.

So I am taking a close look at our family calendar and I am desperately trying to scale back our "have to's" in order that we might spend more time celebrating our Savior. The world is fighting back. Hard. Commercials, marketing gifts I can't afford, bombard me and my children throughout the afternoon. Images of the "perfect" Christmas mock me as holiday movies replay on my television. And then there is the decorating. So. Much. Decorating. Still, I am holding my ground. I simply refuse to let Christ be lost in the middle of the chaos.

Over the years, I have placed some simple anchors in place to keep our family grounded in the real reason for the season. Our Nativity, a treasure from my childhood, sits in its usual place in the hallway, so that it might greet us as we walk through the door. Each evening, our family gathers together, if only for a few moments, and we read a Christmas devotional and countdown to the "big day". And every Sunday, we sit at our dining table and light a candle on our family Advent wreath. Still, I long for more. This time of year, my heart desires to look upon Christ and worship him for all that he is and all that he has done.

When I read the Christmas story quietly and simply ponder the beauty of that silent night over 2,000 years ago, I am reminded that Christmas is about just one thing. Big love. Jesus humbly left his throne in Heaven. He came as a baby and was born of a teenage Virgin. Christ, fully man yet also divine, led a sinless life and then offered that life as a sacrifice for me. He took my sin and my place on a Cross, so that I might be reconciled to God. By his sacrifice alone, I have eternal life in the presence of the LORD. It's a free gift from my Savior to me. And he did all of this for love.

So, this Christmas, I will follow the example of my Savior. In the middle of the busyness, I choose to "do everything in love". (1 Corinthians 16:14) As I hustle through the obligations that will not go away, I will take my Jesus with me. This Christmas season, in all I do, with everyone I meet, I choose to show the love of Christ. And while I hope to conquer the items on my "to do" list, I aspire to greater things as well. There is still time to trim the list and make a little more room for my Savior. After all, it is HIS birthday for which we are preparing.

Perhaps, you have a calendar that looks like mine. Maybe you have a list in your head of what you feel "must" be done to make this a "merry Christmas". This year, I challenge you to prayerfully sift through the distractions. You can't do it all. The best part is, you don't have to. This is one Christmas party where you are free to just come and be. For, Christ has already prepared everything that really matters. And he did it, for you, with love.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Wait For It

One of my favorite characters is from a television show called "How I Met Your Mother". The character is a smarmy guy named Barney Stinson and his favorite one liner is "Wait for it..." Those words are especially relevant to me today.

Just when I thought the paperwork phase of our adoption was behind us, we had a few minor setbacks this week. First, we learned that our biological children will require a tuberculosis screening before we can schedule our home study. Dutifully, I contacted our family doctor and scheduled the tests for early next week.

Then, I learned today that I have to fill out an extensive health history form on...wait for it...each child. Browsing through the details required on these forms, I took a deep breath and felt like I was going to cry. It seems that so much about adoption is "hurry up and wait". I have never been good at waiting. Not for my birthday. Not for Christmas Eve. And not for our baby. Now, our home study which was tentatively scheduled for next week will have to be delayed. "It's God's timing," I whisper to myself, though I felt like screaming.

An hour or so later, Jack walked through the door and heaved a heavy sigh. He had been waiting all day to learn his part in the UIL spring play at his middle school. Earlier in the week, he had finished two auditions for one of the lead roles. The results were suppose to be posted right after school. To his dismay, a delay has caused him to wait for two more weeks.

As I listened to him share his disappointment and sensed his frustration, I searched for words of encouragement. "Jack, waiting is hard," I said gently. "Whether you are waiting for your birthday, for Christmas, or for a baby...waiting stinks! Still, sometimes, we are called to wait. Never forget, son, that God has already placed you in the part that will bring him glory. Waiting won't change that." Suddenly, I felt as though I was talking to myself.

The hard truth is, sometimes we must wait. And it's hard. However, during a season of waiting, it is important that we remember that God is still in control. Even in our waiting.

For, "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

His timing is perfect and "he has made everything beautiful in his time".(Ecclesiastes 3:11)

So, "wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

Long ago, the world, covered in darkness, was waiting for a Savior. We are told that "when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman." (Galatians 4:4) Jesus Christ was born in order to fulfill God's plan of salvation. It was true then. And it is true today. In His time, the LORD will see his plans through to their completion.

Perhaps you are like me and my son. Maybe you have a need or a desire in your heart that simply cannot arrive fast enough. Remember to fix your eyes on Heaven and know you are not forgotten. Remain patient, steadfast, and strong. Sometimes we must wait for it.